Instead of paying its laid off employees their hard-earned unvested stock awards, Microsoft is using those savings to invest in buying and burying nearly $1.7 Billion worth of human excrement. In yet another example of putting AI first and employees last, Microsoft has decided to put its OpEx money into offsetting its AI carbon footprint.
CFO Amy Hood beemed when asked about the purchase: “We’ve been wanting to buy this shit for a very long time, but just didn’t have the funds lying around. When crunching numbers, we figured we had all this money tied up in unvested employee stock grants, and so when Satya executed Order 66 on July 2nd, it was like, YES! Let’s DO THIS!”.
CEO Satya Nadella echoed those statements in a recent interview: “This investment falls right in line with our mission to empower every organization on the planet to poop more while also driving Copilot monthly active user numbers up. If they can use Copilot while also on the toilet, that’s an even better win-win situation for us.”