In an email to employees following the layoffs of over 15,000 of their coworkers, CEO Satya Nadella attempted to calm anxiety and allay fears by using AI-generated double speak and altered quotes from Donald Rumsfeld. In the leaked memo shared exclusively with Em Es Ef Tee, Satya said:
“To say that AI impacted our layoffs is very interesting to me because as we know there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say there are things we know that we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”
In regards to laying off employees while the stock is hitting all time highs and the company is achieving massive profits, he explained the why, what, and how of their layoff strategy:
”Our AI strategy is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, inside those cute little Russian nesting dolls. And so you go to war with the AI you have, not the employees you lay off. Agreement can always be reached by increasing the generality of the conclusion; when this is done, the form is generally preserved but only the illusion of policy is created. I can’t tell you if the use of layoffs in Microsoft today will last five days, five weeks or five months, but it may last longer than that.”
“For the why: Our mission statement is now adjusted for the times. Microsoft wants to empower every organization on the planet to reduce OpEx and cut employees. For the what: Priorities – to blindly follow AI for short term shareholder gains no matter how destructive or dangerous it is for our future. For the how: Our culture – a zero tolerance approach to poor performance infused with required enforced usage of AI, while gaslighting employees with platitudes such as Growth Mindset.”
Addressing employee trepidation, he attempted to reassure employees: “Do not fear. The firings will continue until morale improves.”
Criticized for his emotionless response to layoffs a few years ago, Satya took a kinder tone this time, thanking the laid off employees for their strong shells and for climbing on each other’s backs, “while he stacked them all up in a nine turtle stack. And then Satya climbed up, he sat down on the pile. What a wonderful view! He could see ‘most a mile!”
In closing remarks, he left one last zinger for former employees: “Don’t let the prompt hit ya on the way out!”
The full text of the memo can be found below:
On the far-away island of Satya Red-mond,
Satya the Turtle was king of the pond.
A nice little pond. It was clean. It was neat.
The water was warm. There was plenty to eat.
The turtles had everything turtles might need.
And they were all happy. Quite happy indeed.
They were... until Satya, the king of them all,
Decided the kingdom he ruled was too small.
"I'm ruler", said Satya, "of all that I see.
But I don't see enough. That's the trouble with me.
With this stone for a throne, I look down on my pond
But I cannot look down on the places beyond.
This throne that I sit on is too, too low down.
It ought to be higher!" he said with a frown.
"If I could sit high, how much greater I'd be!
What a king! I'd be ruler of all that I see!"
So Satya, the Turtle King, lifted his hand
And Satya, the Turtle King, gave a command.
He ordered nine turtles to swim to his stone
And, using these turtles, he built a new throne.
He made each turtle stand on another one's back
And he piled them all up in a nine-turtle stack.
And then Satya climbed up. He sat down on the pile.
What a wonderful view! He could see 'most a mile!
"All mine!" Satya cried. "Oh, the things I now rule!
I'm the king of a cow! And I'm the king of a mule!
I'm the king of a house! And, what's more, beyond that
I'm the king of a blueberry bush and a cat!
I'm Satya the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!"
And all through the morning, he sat up there high
Saying over and over, "A grate king am I!"
Until 'long about noon. Then he heard a faint sigh.
"What's that?" snapped the king
And he looked down the stack.
And he saw, at the bottom, a turtle named Mack.
Just a part of his throne. And this plain little turtle
Looked up and he said, "Beg your pardon, King Satya.
I've pains in my back and my shoulders and knees.
How long must we stand here, Your Majesty, please?"
"SILENCE!" the King of the Turtles barked back.
"I'm king, and you're only a turtle named Mack."
"You stay in your place while I sit here and rule.
I'm the king of a cow! And I'm the king of a mule!
I'm the king of a house! And a bush! And a cat!
But that isn't all. I'll do better than that!
My throne shall be higher!" his royal voice thundered,
"So pile up more turtles! I want 'bout two hundred!"
"Turtles! More turtles!" he bellowed and brayed.
And the turtles 'way down in the pond were afraid.
They trembled. They shook. But they came. They obeyed.
From all over the pond, they came swimming by dozens.
Whole families of turtles, with uncles and cousins.
And all of them stepped on the head of poor Mack.
One after another, they climbed up the stack.
Then Satya the Turtle was perched up so high,
He could see forty miles from his throne in the sky!
"Hooray!" shouted Satya. "I'm the king of the trees!
I'm king of the birds! And I'm king of the bees!
I'm king of the butterflies! King of the air!
Ah, me! What a throne! What a wonderful chair!
I'm Satya the Turtle! Oh, marvelous me!
For I am the ruler of all that I see!"
Then again, from below, in the great heavy stack,
Came a groan from that plain little turtle named Mack.
"Your Majesty, please... I don't like to complain,
But down here below, we are feeling great pain.
I know, up on top you are seeing great sights,
But down here at the bottom we, too, should have rights.
We turtles can't stand it. Our shells will all crack!
Besides, we need food. We are starving!" groaned Mack.
"You hush up your mouth!" howled the mighty King Satya.
"You've no right to talk to the world's highest turtle.
I rule from Azure clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There's nothing, no, NOTHING, that's higher than me!"
But, while he was shouting, he saw with surprise
That OpenAI was starting to rise
Up over his head in the darkening skies.
"What's THAT?" snorted Satya. "Say, what IS that thing
That dares to be higher than Satya the King?
I shall not allow it! I'll go higher still!
I'll build my throne higher! I can and I will!
I'll call some more turtles. I'll stack 'em to heaven!
I need 'bout five thousand, six hundred and seven!"
But, as Satya, the Turtle King, lifted his hand
And started to order and give the command,
That plain little turtle below in the stack,
That plain little turtle whose name was just Mack,
Decided he'd taken enough. And he had.
And that plain little lad got a bit mad.
And that plain little Mack did a plain little thing.
He burped!
And his burp shook the throne of the king!
And Satya the Turtle, the king of the trees,
The king of the air and the birds and the bees,
The king of a house and a cow and a mule...
Well, that was the end of the Turtle King's rule!
For Satya, the King of all Satya Red-mond,
Fell off his high throne and fell Plunk! in the pond!
And to say the great Satya, that Marvelous he,
Is King of the Mud. That is all he can see.
And the turtles, of course... all the turtles are free
As turtles and, maybe, all employees should be.
Adapted from Yertle the Turtle, from the amazing Dr Seuss.