Building on its work with Intune and Mobile Device Management, Microsoft has announced new changes for employees at the beginning of its new fiscal year, to support its Secure First Initiative (SFI). Starting July 1st, all Microsoft full time employees and contractors must come into their local field office to replace their key card and receive a microchip brain implant. This new system will enable Microsoft to execute a full remote brain wipe if an employee leaves or is terminated.
In a leaked email to employees shared with EmEsEfTee.com, Microsoft Security head Bret Arsenault explained the changes:
“Our default posture is now Zero Trust. If we act like we’ve already been compromised, then we are one step ahead of the attackers. We’ve already made great strides in protecting our sensitive corporate data in Azure, on your laptops, and on difficult to manage mobile devices. Now we are happy to announce we can expand our security footprint into a previously un-securable area – your brain. Beginning July 1st, if you would like to continue retaining Microsoft corporate data in your head, you will need to come into your local field office and install the Intune Remote Cerebral Governance Agent, and accept the new Terms of Use.”
Our office reached out to Chief People Officer Kathleen Hogan and asked her if this constituted a violation of employee privacy. “Absolutely not.” she said. “We’ve always had the option for mobile phones for example, for an employee to have a personal device and a work device and keep everything separate. It’s really about convenience – if our employees want the ease of just carrying a single device and mixing corporate and personal data, then we need a way to manage it, hence Intune. Unfortunately, we can’t have two brains though, amiright? So this is how we have to do it.”
Asked what happens to terminated employees after a remote brain wipe, Hogan laughed. “I dunno? Blue Screen of Death maybe?”