In what both sides are hailing as a “historic modernization of government productivity,” Microsoft has signed a multi-year, $6 billion agreement with the US General Services Administration (GSA) for discounted Office 365 services.
As part of the deal, every government agency will receive one year of free access to Microsoft Copilot — and, according to leaked documents, a year’s supply of crystal methamphetamine.
Microsoft executives defended the inclusion of narcotics as a “standard industry practice” to accelerate adoption of enterprise software and lead customers to “new highs in productivity”.
“Look, the problem is nobody actually wants to use Copilot,” admitted one Microsoft spokesperson. “The UI is confusing, starter prompts are clunky, and the answers are wrong half the time. We realized if we can’t get people addicted to the software, we might as well get them addicted to something else while they’re logged in. We looked at history, at how to control markets. The British had opium, the 80’s had crack cocaine. Now with our Copilot+Meth Bundle, we can get US government workers on guaranteed per user license renewals.”
A White House official, speaking on background, admitted concerns about “optics,” but shrugged:
“Honestly, it was either this or Google Workspace, and they only offered us weed gummies.”
Industry analysts predict that after the first year, government spending on Copilot renewals (and narcotics) will far exceed the $6B “savings” touted today.